Tackled by Covid in Italy

Aristotle says all human beings aim at happiness. Maybe each culture does too. As a naturalized citizen of Italy who was born in Tampa, some of the rules have puzzled me. For instance, don't order pizza in the afternoon. (The oven is not heated up yet.) Other ones I simply love: belonging to a culture that has a pausa pranzo. Still others remind me of what grandmother used to say: Don't swim in Lake Garda after eating because you could die of a congestione cramp. Look out for the downward spiraling, kid-swallowing, dark vortices of Lake Iseo (where my children swim every day in the summer). Wear at least three layers when you go out in the fall. No wet hair, unless you're showering or swimming or it's summer.Others just make for sound advice. Before dinner, one drinks aperativi, not cocktails. (Pre-dinner cocktails are for alcoholics and Anglo-Saxons.) Use the bidet. Change the tires for winter. “All-season” tires do not exist in Brescia.Basically, respect the rhythms of the day.Then there are the COVID rules. If, at the start of 2020, you see people wearing masks in the airports in Europe, you are allowed to wonder if they are protecting other people from themselves or themselves from other people. When March arrives, comply with the rules of the state of emergency declared throughout the region of Lombardy. During the pandemic, wear a mask and, largely out of fear, take the total lockdown more seriously than most other countries. Do not envy the fact that suffering in Bergamo (the rival city) is getting more press than the suffering in Brescia. Our trauma is as bad as theirs is a cruel thought indeed.When the Austrians shut down the border with Italy to protect their people, think wtf? When people are allowed to leave their homes only for groceries or medicine or death, joke (but only half-heartedly) that it is better to be a dog than a child—dogs can go outdoors. Try not to guess who has the worst lockdown—Italy or Spain? It's better to compare soccer players, olive oils, and wine.When, after not leaving your complex for over two months, your eight-year-old trails you on her rollerblades, imagine what it feels like to be released after serving a sentence. When the Austrians let the Italians back in again, acknowledge the thought: you jerks.Try not to get angry at your American friends and family and government back home. Couldn't you see this coming? Why didn't you all get it together? And what version of a “lockdown” are you Americans protesting about?When your employer allows you to work remotely and your wife is from Brescia, jump on the chance to stay in Italy. You just won COVID. When schools open up again in the fall, praise the authorities for being prepared.Finally, consider the American football rules. When you're allowed to get out and exercise, even if it is in the fascist outdoor training area known as Campo Marte, with its symmetrical layout filled with emboldening Latin inscriptions near the flagpoles, do it. If you see two high-school guys throwing a football, go on up to them. It's more interesting than running on the gravel, and they can throw pretty well. It's okay if you feel like a six-year-old when you ask if you can play with them. When one of them is wearing a helmet, try not to think that it looks a bit much for a toss in the park. When they are both named Lorenzo and your son is named Lawrence, you can smile. Accept that the helmeted one likes equipment and has “Frenchy” inscribed on his cleats because he has just moved back to Brescia from Dijon.Though Frenchy is still in high school, relish the irony that you played American football in Dijon when you were his age, nineteen, and that you studied there as a junior in college. Don't be surprised that the other Lorenzo, “Ragno,” or spider, doesn't look like a spider. It's just that his last name is Ragnoli. When you learn they play for the Brescia Bengals and you ask (since the symbol of Brescia is the lion), “Why isn't your team called the lions?” and they say, “Bergamo already took it,” don't hate Bergamo even more for stealing the symbol of Brescia.Don't be surprised when you ask your brother-in-law, “Do you know who the Bengals are?” and he answers, “Yeah, the rugby team.” There is no other football but calcio, not even if the Italian national American football team wins the 2021 European championship.Don't be surprised either that American football is played in Brescia, even if the team is only made up of after-work amateurs who simply love the game: plumbers, sales reps, engineers, realtors, office managers, beer craftsmen, high schoolers, factory workers, machinists, university students, firefighters, driving instructors, computer programmers. Accept your desire to play for the team, and don't doubt yourself or think it's just because you played tackle football when you were 13 in Florida and in France when you were 19, and you want to repeat what cannot be repeated. Don't worry that you might be too old and slow, though feel free to ask for clarification about why the Bengals play in what is called the senior league. Be understanding when the head coach responds with a chuckle. “Sometimes we use the English word incorrectly. ‘Senior’ just means it's not the youth league, not that the players are 65 and over.”When the coach lumps you in with the fat guys (ciccioni)—the linemen—even though you are playing fourth-string backup quarterback and wide receiver, don't be offended. If your Achilles tendon burns after just the first practice on the hard turf, ice it.Don't be surprised that the football snap in Brescia is based on the Italian meal, where pasta comes first. When you are the quarterback and you want the ball snapped “on one,” yell “Pasta” to let ciccioni know the count. That means: hike at the first hut (sul primo): “Down, Set, Hut.” Since meat is the second course, yell arrosto or carne to get “Hut Hut” (snap on two). And since antipasto starts the Italian meal, if you yell it, the ball will come when you say “Set.” Develop your expertise of Italian cuisine. Is salame an antipasto or a carne?If the coach instructs you during practice, “When I say go, you rusci!” don't wonder where the Russians are. He's just saying, “When I say go, you rush!” Don't be annoyed when some of the players want to speak to you in English not because you need it but because they want to practice their speaking skills with you, the way Germans often do.Don't expect a football field. Expect a rugby pitch. And if you actually get a football field, be ready for it to have only 90 yards, like the one in Modena (where you traverse from the 40- to the 50-yard line in just five yards).If you are stopped by police after the 10 p.m. curfew—and remember, they can flag you down just because—be ready to show your papers to prove that you participate in a sport declared to be “of national interest.” When you don't see a teammate for days and you didn't see him tear an ACL, assume he either got COVID or is in quarantine like Ragno had to be. During practice, spray disinfectant everywhere: footballs, rags, helmets, pads, gloves, hands. COVID is the omnipresent second opponent.Don't be upset when the local Giornale di Brescia covers the team and misspells your name as Clawis. You don't deserve to be mentioned in the first place.When the coach makes fun of the team from Ferrara, which is known for its leftist politics, and says, “We're going to kick their commie asses,” try not to think of the Sylvester Stallone films of the ‘80s.When you arrive in Ferrara, don't go looking for communists, because you won't actually see them. However, go ahead and enjoy that inner twinge of Ferrara's got it just as bad as Brescia when you run out onto their spotty football field and see that their scoreboard is missing too. Don't be surprised if you don't go in for a play (you are just meat on the practice squad) or if they call you rooky or shout at you for your mistakes—even if they do somehow admire you just because you are from the US of A.After a game, unwind with the team with cheap, warm beer and the left-over pasta you brought in a plastic container. Open up more with your teammates. Accept that most of them aren't paying much attention to you anyway, rokkie, so what's to lose. And if your team is getting so crushed that both teams put in their worst players, be ready. It is part of the universal quest for happiness

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